The above picture is a common occurrence in my household. I promise you that this is not a piece of modern art, it's actually better than most modern art that I've seen, but this is the after effects of a normal breakfast. Why so much stuff? Don't you own a dishwasher? The answer to the second question is yes, we do own a functioning dishwasher. The answer to the first question will require a more complicated explanation. As any parent can attest, dinner with your young kids is a bit like having your final meal before an execution. Only this doesn't end in the death of your physical self. Oh no, this is much worse. This ends in the death of your mentality. I use to enjoy meals, especially dinner. It was a time to relax and unwind after a hectic day of work. Sitting down with a nice glass of beer and a full plate of food is heavenly. Especially when you can take your time eating and drinking. This was a privilege that I was able to enjoy earlier in my life. I should have appreciated it more. Let me try and do my best to describe the horror of dinner with children. It all begins with the preparation. Not Preparation H, that is used for the hemorrhoids that I get after dinner. By preparation I am referring to the gathering of ingredients needed for our nightly meals. This sounds like a simple task, right? Well, when you have two children who refuse to eat what is on the menu, one must then gather more ingredients for an alternative dinner. Or two, since both of my kids like different things. So that means more pots and pans, more utensils, more mess. Then comes the cooking portion of our nightly adventure. Coordinating three separate meals sounds easy. It is not. Especially trying to time each dinner item to end at the same time. Because if one sibling gets their dinner before the other, then the shit hits the fan. Then comes the actual consuming of food. Better yet, throwing food on the floor while some ends up in your mouth. New parents will learn that rice, couscous, peas etc. while tasty, will cause much heartache and pain. Rice is basically impervious to vacuum suction and couscous ends up in the weirdest spots. My kids also like to get food in their hair, mostly after they have showered. I'm not sure if food in hair provides nutrients to the hair follicles but it certainly doesn't come up easily. After dinner is where the fun and fighting begins. My wife and I try to tag team cleanup but more recently we have been fighting over who gets the pleasure to clean and who gets to watch the kids. Cleaning has become a reward, a pleasant break from the onslaught of children. One of us gets to zone out and listen to music while the other gets to listen to something resembling Helter Skelter by the Beatles. One day I can relate to you, dear reader, the tales of eating out but this is probably enough horror for one day. I will leave you with a quick tip: prior to dinner, down a bottle of wine and everything will go much smoother.
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