I lead a boring life. Maybe it's not boring, but to me it's a bit dull. I haven't travelled extensively, I don't have a boat or jet ski, I drive a very basic vehicle and my job, while enjoyable, isn't exactly a thrill a minute. But I have mixed feelings about all of this. On one hand I enjoy being home but on the other hand I have those need for adventure. Because I have led a dull life thus far, that sense of adventure is getting stronger and stronger every day. I feel the need to explore the world, take more road trips or just try new things. Maybe it's a bit of a mid-life crisis, it probably is because I definitely feel more regret in looking back at my earlier life. I never had the college experience as I was an older student who already had a full time job. I didn't set out for college immediately after high school. I really didn't have that sort of direction in my life. I didn't have parents that were high level professionals so I didn't have that influence on me during my upbringing. Now I see kids graduating high school and wish I were them once again. My wife had that college experience as well as the experience of travelling. She has been to many places that I would love to visit, especially the great cities of Europe. I haven't even travelled much around the good ol' U S of A either. There are so many wonderous sites that are left to behold. Sometimes this brings about a feeling of depression. I'm over 40, by one year, and it feels like I haven't really had the life that I wanted to have. Or that I have missed so many opportunities and until Tesla creates a time portal, I fear that there's nothing that I can do. But maybe looking back at things that you cannot change isn't exactly the most productive activity. In front of me is what Shakespeare called The Undiscovered Country, also a name of one of my favorite Star Trek films. None of know what the future beholds. Maybe some stroke of luck will come my way and I'll be able to have all of the experiences that I dream about. It's what keeps me going most days. What is it about middle age that makes us look backward? Most of the men that I know around my age are all into collecting nostalgic pieces from their youth. Maybe it's because we couldn't get these things when we were younger. But this doesn't seem to affect the fairer sex. My wife thinks that it's idiotic to collect old toys and memorabilia. She thinks that it's juvenile. And I fear that she's not the only one. Looking back gives us a sense of comfort, to a time when the world wasn't crazy. Or perhaps it was and we were able to tune it out Not to mention the lack of internet and twenty four hour news stations. We did have a cold war going on and I bet that the world was just as chaotic. Getting back on topic, I'll admit that I would love to have what others have. I see some of my contemporaries with boats, nice cars, large houses and I wish that I had the wealth to afford these things. I would love to go into a store and not get anxiety waiting for my card to be approved. And it would be great not to have to pick and choose between food and gas. I'd love to just have the ability to go to a store and buy an expensive item without feeling regret, otherwise known as buyers remorse. I believe that is why people who experience newfound wealth after being poor often remain thrifty throughout life. They realize that it could all go away instantly. Often I envision myself in a better position within the workforce, doing a job that was important and garnered respect. And this is made worse by my own thoughts that I am probably smarter than many of the people considered my superiors. Midlife crises are definitely real and they do suck, big time. I feel like I'll continue to have these days for a few more years. Days where even fun events are difficult to look forward to, something that I struggle with a lot. It also brings about sudden tiredness and lack of motivation to get anything done, very atypical for me. I'm lucky to have a loving family around to help me through these days but sometimes I still feel alone, as if no one understands what I'm going through. A feeling that the entire world is against me. I realize that is not the case but feelings can be very overpowering. I hope that some of you out there read this and realize that these feelings are normal and that we can help each other out. Just keep going, exercise, get out into nature, play with your kids and do all the things you can do to keep those feelings minimized. You alone make your future, make it a future that you won't regret.
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